How this little Miss Piggy gets out of her poo pit

Quite simply, one of the most wonderful things about living on Kauai is that I can never stay in my pit of self pity for long.

I hop on my anti-anxiety pill (my bike) and take off down the road.

For the past couple of nights, I have had the privilege to ride during sunset.
The Twilight or Golden Hour makes the colors so bright that I can almost taste them and hear them!

Oh the colors, colors, colors!

I tilt my head back and hoot with joy!

I hear the Creator of the Universe whispering to me, "I am here. Do you see Me? Do you see how much I love you and think of you? I put on this display day after day for anyone who chooses to see. Do you see?"
It is on my bike that I feel like I truly see and grasp some things.

It is also on my bike that the simplest of things bring me intense joy.

Like, as I was riding yesterday, it started to rain on me. Joy of joys! That was great!

At one point, at a stoplight, I felt like someone in the car next to me was giving me the hairy eyeball.
I tentatively looked over only to discover it was a dog looking me up and down. It was so cute and I laughed at the silliness of it all.

Today, a truck passed me on my right and from the passenger seat, I saw a little blond head craning
out the window to see me as she passed by, with a sweet smile on her face. I smiled my biggest smile
in return.

As I made my way to the lookout over the Fishpond, I saw 3 adolescent boys, 2 on a scooter, one on
his bike. They had such sweet expressions on their faces because they thought they knew me.
Mrs. Piccolo? Oh! We thought you were our teacher!

As I ended my ride, I came upon a boy riding his bike in front of me. As I passed him, I realized he
wasn't a boy. After a couple of minutes, he came up on my left and started riding next to me and
talking to me.
He told me how 22 years ago, he used to wake up in the mornings and run this very stretch of road because it had been so thoroughly ingrained in him since the Army.
He rode with me for about 10 minutes and before we parted, he told me his name was Sam and that he was glad he ran into me because it was nice to talk to me.
I felt the same way and wished him well.

May I always live my life like a good, driving, bass beat that makes everyone want to get up and
wiggle to the song of life!

....AND... stay out of my poo pit  ;-)

Love you!

Endorphins make me zany :-)

Oh-ma-word!

After getting back from my bike ride, I did a solid for Abe and took him for a walk.

I was walking along and then I noticed my thoughts. They were so all over the place, I wanted to write them down and share, if for no other reason than to give you a laugh :-)

So this is how it went:

Ok, Abe, pee on the bush there.
Good job.
Wow! That was the loudest cricket I have ever heard!
What do I see out in the grass, there?
Is it a boar?
A human?
A Sasquatch?
Oh Abe, keep walking.
We stop only if you have to poop.
I hope a wild boar doesn't come out of the grass!
Well, if it does, I have my light with a whistle on it.
I'll blow the heck out of that whistle!
There's a lot of dog poop on this path!
That's what I get for living by a doggie daycare.
Okay, watch out for that rope there!
Don't want to clothesline myself.
I wish my light was a little brighter.
Oh, there went a frog!
Wait, was that a toad?
Has to be a toad.
They have warts.
I learned that from Cat in the Hat on PBS!
I see some stars.
Not very many, though.
I wish the clouds would go away so I could see them better.
Was that a boar?
Sounded like one!
Man, those two dogs sure are barking really loud!
Almost home.
I need a shower.

This stuff was literally going off at lightening speed in my brain.
This noggin needs some rest :-)

Stop holding the brakes!

My recent bicycle rides have been packed full of meaning for me lately.
On the one hand, my mind does begin to work like a well-oiled machine. I let go of my anxiety, frustration, and fears as I put my body to the test.
Then on the other hand, God has been choosing that time to plant His truth deep in my heart. Like seeds of mighty oaks. With water, nurturing, and time....it's gonna be good!
I rode tonight for the sheer joy of riding plus I needed to get out a little extra spunk before bed. 
Why at night? I can already see my Dad worrying but I've always done things differently than most and it has been hot enough during the day that dehydration gets the best of me, so I go in the cool of the evening.
Traveling down Kipu Road, singing at the top of my lungs, I came to a place in the road where there is a nice little coast downhill. It was dark, my light did little to illuminate very far in front of me, and my main worry was running into a wild boar (for obvious reasons) because they like to hang out around there. 
I had both hands clutching the brakes and all of a sudden, I heard God say, "Stop holding the brakes."
I have learned to listen to Him when He speaks in moments like these because He is usually trying to teach me something.
So, I let go and as the air rushed past me, I hooted and hollered with joy and then threw in a little Zena Warrior Princess yodel at the end.
I share this next part because I know it is not meant just for me.
The translation or what God was saying was this:
For most of my life, I have been holding onto the "brakes"; afraid to step out and fail or be thought a fool.
As I approach my one year anniversary on Kauai, I sense God saying the steady, run of endurance is coming to an end and now it's time for a sprint into all He has planned for my life...hopes, dreams, etc.
It reminds me of the Scripture in 1 Samuel 17:48:
"As Goliath moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him."
David ran to meet Goliath! He ran forward to face his fears and triumphed!
Fear has kept me clutching at the brakes. It is now time to step out and walk into my full potential.
We were created to be world-changers...every one of us! It's time to wake up and run to take hold of the greatness in this life that we have been given! Awake, oh sleeper!
Do you have a dream? Pursue it! Follow through!
Do you have a fear? Face it!
Does something seem impossible? Step out and find that it is within reach!
You never know how your life will positively impact someone else.

Why is it never enough?

I looked in the mirror at my sunburnt face and said, "You've got to get a hold of yourself!"
You see, when I am hurting and trying to cope, I almost hear the flies buzzing around my head, feeding off of the decaying thoughts residing in my mind.
I go into old, destructive habits.
Oh, I have so much to learn, so much to overcome!
I was once asked if I thought I was broken. To which I responded, "Yes. Well no. Not so much. More like mold-able."
I take it back. Yes, I am broken. And my brokenness lies in this:
I keep trying to fill a gaping hole that only God can fill with every other imaginable thing known to man. And here is the insanity of it all. It is never enough and it always leaves me more empty than I originally started out.
It's like dying of thirst and drinking salt water.
Tonight, God gently took my hand and placed me on my bike to ride.
I started out riding, angry and pushing my body as hard as it would go. My goal was to tire myself out completely. And then God began to speak.
I was riding in the dark with only my weak light to illuminate the road in front of me. I kept getting frustrated because it never seemed like enough of the road was lit up. I craned my neck to see in front of me as I went around a corner. I still only saw immediately in front of me and the way was narrow.
Then a car would come from behind me and illuminate all around me and my eyes would drink it in until once more, my vision was narrowed back to my little bicycle light as the car passed.
Isn't this the story of my life!?! God only illuminates just enough of the road so that I don't run ahead of Him and worry about what is to come. I get frustrated with Him because I want to know more of the story but it is literally too much for me to handle. I get it in chapters; doses.
And then He gives me a glimpse of the bigger picture. My heart soars, my hope is renewed, and my faith and trust in Him is strengthened.
On the second part of my bike ride, my attention was drawn to how wet my face was. It felt like I had warm wax flowing down and dripping off my chin onto my body. It was an incredibly strange feeling.
And then the translation....
Most times, I wear a mask especially when my heart feels torn and exposed. I don't want anyone to see my pain or how much I hurt. But just as a fire melts wax, so my Refiner melts my wax mask away from my face. And when it has all dripped away, and I am naked and exposed, He passes me under gloriously cool waters that comfort and heal and wash away all signs of that mask I once wore.
Oh the amazing things God wants to show us if we only keep our hearts and minds open.
May it go straight from my head to my heart.
Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

Cry like a baby

As a nanny, it goes with the job that I must listen to children cry.

It happens.

Theyʻre tired, hungry, angry.

They get hurt, they miss Mommy and Daddy.

The list goes on and on.....

Strangely, I find myself longing for the simplicity of a good cry.

I listen to a little one crying with gusto and wish for the ability to join in with them.

Weep, wail, lament! Just let go! Just let it all go!

I remember crying often as a child. It was the first thing I did if I got hurt...and I got hurt A LOT growing up.

Skinned knees, stubbed toes, broken bones, gashes, scrapes, and bruises. Each one received their own allotment of tears. And it felt good to cry! I felt like in some way, I had accomplished something important with my tears. Even as a child I knew this.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped crying altogether, though. What a sad thing to have happen!

No longer do I skin my knees. And very rarely do I stub my toes, but I have seen great tragedies and have stood up under the crushing weight of grief. I have gotten my heart broken. I have loved and lost.

Iʻm hoping I can give each of these things the tears they deserve so that I can let go and heal. Tears are healing, purging, beautiful, and holy. Quite simply put, they are Godʻs gift to us so that we have a way to give wings to our pain...so that our hearts may be lifted up once more.

So the next time I hear that little boy crying at the top of his lungs because he really doesnʻt want to take that nap, I just might join in with him....I....just..... might.

Moved with compassion

I picked up a second job, when I was working at Papayaʻs. I entered into my time as an in-home caregiver for Soly and Abdel Latif with just a little bit of hesitation. I wasnʻt sure if I was going to be what they needed or even if it would be something I wanted to do longterm. I give a lot of myself away but donʻt always take the time to take care of myself. Itʻs a tricky balance.

For about a month I felt like a glorified housekeeper and the work was challenging.

All of a sudden, something shifted in my heart, and I began to look at these two, lovely people with new eyes; with eyes of compassion motivated by love.

Soly and Abdel are in their 80ʻs. Soly is forgetful and Abdel is legally blind. This was how I was introduced to them.

Soly is one of the sweetest and most loving women I have ever met. She is patient and kind even though her relationship with Abdel over the years has been anything but easy. Abdel is gracious and kind with me but I find myself wishing he would be the same way with his wife. She does so much for him, receiving so little in return. When Abdel laughs and smiles, it makes my heart smile. When Soly blows me kisses each time I leave their house, my heart takes wing.

I think of Soly and Abdel as adoptive Grandparents and they think of me as family as well.

I have been told by their family that their house has sparkled and they seem more at peace now that I have been working for them. How that blessed me!

I do not see what I do as a job. Itʻs an investment into their lives. It has begun to get to the point that it is hard to think of taking money for what I do because it is so easy, now, and comes from such a genuine, loving place in my heart.

Yesterday, I found out Abdel went to the hospital for sores on his legs and water retention in his body and around his heart. He is ok and being taken care of while Soly gets some much needed rest of her own at home.

Before I began to clean, today, I sat and listened to her as she talked. She told me about her youngest son that died 4 years ago. The tears of a mother that has survived her child are heart-breaking. I am convinced that the greatest gift I can give someone in pain is the ability to be heard.

May I always be moved with compassion and quick to listen in love!

Havenʻt done this in a while!

Simple moments. Snippets of bliss. These are the things dreams are made of.... Thatʻs where I find myself, today, all dreamy-eyed.

Iʻm sitting outside drinking some warm, rooibos tea. The sun is setting behind me and there is a marvelous breeze blowing through my hair. Abe is sitting at my feet, squeaking his favorite blue ball, and Bebel plays on my iPod, rivaling the sounds of the roosters in the distance.

I just finished making myself some vegan, gluten-free spaghetti and anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love spaghetti!

Warm tummy food!

I havenʻt cooked for myself in a long while. I need to do it more often! I need to love MYSELF enough to do that :)

A lot has changed in my life since the last time I blogged:
Abe arrived safely,
I welcomed my first official visitor to Kauai(Amy),
I got a lovely haircut from a lovely friend(Amy),
I got a new job as a nanny,
and there are shifts taking place in my heart and in my mind; like the shifting of tectonic plates!

I havenʻt written in a while. I have not known how to put into words all that I have been feeling, and I have been feeling a lot! I just have to make sure I donʻt ignore those feelings as I often find myself doing.

This is me, dipping my big toe back into the stream of blogging. Itʻs a way for me to share my heart, hopes, and dreams with you, my dear friends.
I need you in my life more than I can put into words; even though I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and have so many blessings. Yes, I do, but your love and friendship is the greatest gift I could ever hope to have!
I love and miss you all so much! 
May this blog find you well and filled with every good and perfect thing!

The best kind of update!

Ok, so hereʻs Kauai. I started out my journey living in Kilauea in September of last year. In October, I moved to Anahola, and in just a few short days, I am moving again, this time to Puhi. My first move of the new year! Most likely not my last ;)
I have loved the experiences that I have had at each "home" along the way. Kauai has a lot to offer!



An even bigger change than all of this is that my furry buddy, Abe, of 8 years will finally be joining me on Kauai! I canʻt even fathom what that will be like. It makes me cry just to think of it. It was one of the hardest things that Iʻve had to do when I left him last year in July. Not for any reason other than I knew I was really going to miss "living life" with him.

Abe comes in on the evening of the first of February. I will spend the first part of that day cleaning my little studio in Anahola, and will then head out to Puhi to get settled in before Abe arrives.

It still hasnʻt really sunk in that things will be changing, soon, in a dramatic way. That will come in time.

Not too long after Abe arrives, Amy will be my first "human visitor" from the mainland. She will be coming over the end of February and will stay with us for a week. Weʻll be really excited to share our new home with her!

A new job will be on the horizon as well. I do have 2 jobs right now but I need to find a way to make far more than what Iʻm currently making. I know that job is out there!

So many things happening....So many things happening....So many things happening!