An update with some difficult truth

Iʻm just going to dive in and give you the scoop on the goings-on in my heart and my head over these past couple of months.

I would say for maybe my first month and a half in Kauai, my life was blissful. I swam in the ocean, got a great tan, walked everywhere, ate amazing food, had money to spare, lived with almost no responsibilities, and had pretty constant company of the best kind with a certain mustached man. Life was beautiful and glorious!

When I moved to Anahola almost 2 months ago, I felt my physical health begin to plummet. I felt helpless. So, I secluded myself whenever I was not working at Papayaʻs because I didnʻt have the words to describe all I was feeling and going through. I didnʻt want to bother people with my emotional pain or weigh them down with my physical health problems.

I lost a great deal of joy in all of this. I couldnʻt find my way out. Until just recently.

I finally reached out and told my Ohana group from church some of the things I was going through. My sweet angel straight from God, Gayle, told me I didnʻt have to keep living like I have been living, and made the arrangements to get me in to see a really great naturopathic doctor. Blood tests ensued and I hope to begin working on a game plan to get my health back to where it needs to be in the coming weeks with Dr. Brennan.

During some of my darkest days, I found it difficult to leave my tiny studio apartment. I recently began forcing myself to take long walks. Most days, itʻs a struggle to get out my front door especially if I have work or will work later on in the day. I have come to realize that I NEED those walks. When life and health are so uncertain, the only thing that has brought relief has been taking my walks. I have to stay active! I have to keep moving.

On my walk after a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner, tonight, I began to ponder my life here on Kauai. I asked myself some hard questions and didnʻt like the answers I came up with.
It went something like this:
Where did my joy go?
Where did my passion for living a full life go?
Why have I stopped fighting for the things that mean something to me?
Why have I stopped dreaming big dreams?
And the biggest one:
Why have I let my circumstances dictate my joy?
In all of these questions, I have found myself solely to blame.
I may have health issues but have I done everything I could to be proactive? Have I been kind to myself?

No.

I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I am thankful to God for this. He has surrounded me with beauty even in the midst of this desert season of my life. Now, this being said, I may be in the desert but I donʻt have to lose my joy or fire for life!

First of all, I canʻt shrink back anymore and defeat myself before I even get started.

I need to find a second job and work with all of my heart to make the money I need to make it work here.

I need to find a place to call home, where I donʻt feel cramped and can cook in my own kitchen to my heartʻs content.

I need to pay back my debts to my friends.

I need to get the money together to get Abe out here because dogonnit, I miss the heck out of my pup!

Iʻm tired of living in defeat. Iʻm ready to take the steps to regain the ground that Iʻve lost!

Lord, I know Youʻre behind this. I know You want fullness of life for me no matter where I live. Please lead me and guide me in each of the ways I know I must make changes. Give me the strength and tenacity to do all that I must do. May I make the choice each day to live my life to the fullest no matter how my heart, mind, or body betray me. May my life be glorious in joy or in complete disarray. Be my passion. Be my vision. Be my everything, for in You I put my trust. In You, I place my life for the present, future, and all eternity. You are worthy! You are holy! May You receive all of the glory!