Stillness

Since moving to Anahola, my life and how I live it, here in Kauai, has been changing. Much of it has been uncomfortable and I have fought it without even knowing I was fighting it.

In all honesty, most change makes me uncomfortable but this change came, softly, quietly, and sweetly. It's shocking to me, now, the way I violently raged against it on the inside.

To understand the changes, now, I must go back to even before I started my journey to Hawaii.

I can't tell you how much anxiety I lived with on a daily basis when I lived on the mainland. It was astronomical and crippling most days. Add in a move to a place that I had only dreamed of, where I knew no one and had no idea where I would live or work, and my anxiety was off the Richter scale!

Each time I told friends and loved ones what I was going to do, and was met with any kind of negativity, more weight settled onto my shoulders.

Taking the step, getting on that plane was the best decision I have made! So much broke off of me as I set forth in faith. One foot in front of the other.

Once I got to the Big Island and began bouncing from island to island, trying to figure out where would be my new home, I was still dealing with a lot of anxiety.

I did not sleep well and it became a joke at the Maui Hostel that I never slept. I didn't want to "miss" anything and I still had no idea what my life would look like in Hawaii. I was constantly DOING things and GOING places. I can remember only a handful of times that I actually sat still.

All of this being said, I now sit quietly on my futon, in my tiny room. The breeze blows through my windows. I hear the cooing of doves and the ocean in the distance.

I have FOUGHT THIS PEACE, THIS STILLNESS.

On each of my days off, I always think, "What do I want to DO today?"

Because I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, it seems inexcusable for me to spend a whole day inside, but that is exactly what I have been needing!

Sleeping, reading, writing...all of these things went out the window when I had places to BE. I lived, DISTRACTED BY BEAUTY! I don't know how I managed it but I did.

So now a deep calm has settled over my soul. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have days of rest for a reason. No more fighting. No more wondering what other people will think or even how much cooler their lives are because of what they are DOING.

I know going to beautiful places, hiking, swimming, camping are always there to be enjoyed. But for now, on these special days off, I'm focusing on the inner cry that gets drowned out by any outside stimuli. How long will this last? I don't know.

This is my journey. Only I can live my life. Only I can do what is right for me. Am I taking the time to be kind to myself? Am I taking the time to do right by myself?

Am I receiving the healing that only God can bring in this time? He brought me here for a reason. He's got me right where He wants me. I am a captive audience. How are You moving, Lord? What do You want to touch, heal, change?

I stand before You with my eyes and palms turned upward.