Everything's changing!

I would be lying if I told you living in Kauai is all roses.

This place has a way of taking one apart but slowly, gently, and methodically putting them back together in small and unexpected ways.

I have been absolutely exhausted after moving into my tiny studio apartment (which I love, by the way, and will begin to make it more of my own space bit by bit). I guess if you pair moving with learning an entirely new area, bus schedule, and several very early morning shifts at work, it's gonna get insane.

I'm working on staying healthy because people are getting sick all around me at work. That will not do!

After getting off work, today, the last thing I wanted to do was go anywhere or do anything but I pushed myself yet again. I took a very long walk on the beach, stopping to take incredibly short yet potent power naps several times.

Nothing like falling asleep to the sound of the ocean or breathing in that salt air!

I focused on staying present and enjoying the beauty all around me. I sang songs and looked for seashells.

All of the things I found myself clinging to back on the mainland are slowly slipping away. Life is different here. If something doesn't happen, it means either it wasn't meant to be or there's another way to go about experiencing it.

Possessions have lost most of their meaning. Give me the basics to survive and I'll be happy. Now, that's not to say that when my truck and Abraham arrive, I'm not going to weep with joy....BECAUSE I AM!!!!!!!

I found myself taking a shower, outside, in the daylight for the first time, today. In the light of day, it became very apparent that it is not private at all. A handful of people were having a conversation right next to me as I was in the stall, NAKED. What's funny if that I didn't even care. Maybe I am a closet nudist ;) That's definitely a change!

I'm excited for my day off tomorrow. I will SLEEP IN, go into town and get a new bus pass, make a trip to Wally World and get some necessities for my new pad, and then my friend, Noodle, invited me to hang out with her and paint! Did you get that? P-A-I-N-T! You should have seen how my eyes shown as I smiled, vigorously bobbing my head, yes, when she asked me if I wanted to paint with her! I think tomorrow will be an epic day off!

I do have to say, though, that I'm REALLY looking forward to when I can get a string of days off so that I can go camping. I just have to be patient for a couple more weeks. Then I think I can put my bid in with the boss lady.

I realize as I write this that I'm all over the place but there are so many thoughts crashing around in my head. On the one hand, there's this sheer joy and deep contemplation balancing act. Then there's the learning of hard yet necessary lessons about life and my own heart and mind. Pair all of that will the thought of loosing my childlike wonder while giving myself permission to blossom into the woman I was always meant to be. There's some pretty heady stuff going on inside of me!

Hope you're able to track with me. Being able to describe my process and share my story gives me great joy! I hope it is a blessing!

Love you!

Encouraged on every side....

So much has happened since I decided to make Kauai my home.

There have been a great many good and wonderful things but there have also been those few things that have served to knock me flat on my back and question everything.

On Monday evening, as I sat on my bed, talking to Lisa, my heart was incredibly discouraged. I wanted to run and hide and curl up in a cold, dark place where no one could find me. The heart, mind, and emotions are truly powerful things. I will never figure them out.

After I got off the phone with Lisa, I watched X-Men: First Class, and felt empowered to do whatever I had to do to survive and thrive here in Kauai. It was a great, motivating movie!

The next morning, I called Lisa, again, to fill her in on how I was doing, as I rode the bus into town to go to work. I have found work to be a blessed distraction and a help to make it through particularly trying days. I asked Lisa to pray for me and she promised that she would.

I had some time to spare once I got into town and I decided it was definitely a Starbuck's kind of day. My heart leapt when I saw they had a Pumpkin Spice Latte on the menu. I love ANYTHING pumpkin!

With my latte in hand, in a mug because face it, it just tastes better that way, I found a table and cracked open my Bible and began to read Jeremiah 29:11. The words were sweet and washed again and again over my heart and mind. I needed that reminder that God had not walked away from me even though I have ALWAYS known He's been right by my side.

I gathered up my things and walked over to Papaya's where I began the opening routine with Dave, my manager. I told him I was having a difficult day and he began to encourage me and share some of his own, personal story with me. What a great guy! I thanked him for his kindness and words.

I love the early morning hours for so many reasons. There's just a totally different feel. I love the people that come in in the mornings because we share a common bond. There is much sharing of stories and an ability to connect on a deeper level because the busyness of the day hasn't set in yet.

I talked to Mike, who goes out when it is still dark to paddle board. He tells me stories of his favorite, little sea turtle that he has named Little One, who plays with him in the water every morning. He has seen many creatures in the water, small and large alike, and has never had a negative experience with one of them. I like his stories a lot. He is a gentle man with a good heart.

Around 11, in walked Keith. He asked me to weigh some dragon melon for him and when he asked me if I had ever tried dragon melon, I told him that I had not.

"You have to try it", he insisted, "Please just take a fork and take a piece of mine."

Because I knew he would not take no for an answer, I took a piece and thanked him.

Keith came back a second time and this time said, "I just ordered a smoothie and I know I won't be able to finish my dragon melon. Would you like to have it?"

His kindness was not lost on me and I told him I would love to eat the rest of it.

One last time, Keith came over to me and was carrying a cup with what looked like water in it.

"I have some coconut water left over from when they made my smoothie. Would you like to have it?"

I looked at him and said, "Keith, did something tip you off that I've been having a difficult day because you have totally been blessing my socks off by your generosity!"

He then began to tell me that there is no such thing as a bad day, and went on to quote Scripture.

I stood there with my mouth open and said, "Where do you go to church because I want to be around more people like you!"

He told me that a small group just happening to meet at his house that night.

"Do you want to come?"

"Yes! Yes I do!"

He gave me his phone number and I told him I would call him to get directions to his house.

Dustin came out to Kapaa and we looked at snorkel gear which is pretty much a must to own when you live in Kauai. No purchases were made but we came away from the experience knowing more than when we had started out.

I think it's going to take a little bit more time for me to want to go out in the water but once I work through my fears, doggonnit, I'm buying some snorkel gear!

Dustin drove us back to Kilauea and he started rigging up his cool, new stereo system. It was fun to see how excited he was about it and then we got to "experience" X-Men: First Class in surround sound later on in the night! So much fun!

I gave Keith a call and he started giving me directions to his house and my heart sank. I only had access to the bus and his house was quite off the beaten path. I told him that and he asked, "Well then, do you need a ride?"

"Yes, I guess I do", I said.

"Hold on a minute, then. I'll give you a call back."

When my phone rang a couple of minutes later, I said, "Hi, Keith!"

A female voice began to talk and I immediately began to be confused and apologized for thinking she was someone else.

She immediately put me at ease and told me her name was Jennifer and that Keith had asked her if she would be willing to give me a ride to small group. She said she lived only a short distance away and would be more than happy to come and pick me up.

I was overjoyed!

I met her at the gas station in Kilauea and once I got into her truck, we immediately began talking and sharing stories about our lives. She mentioned something about the fact that she had a studio apartment that was empty and I looked at her and said, "Jennifer! I'm trying to find a place to live!" She seemed pretty tickled and told me she would talk to the landlord and see if I could move in for a couple of months until Abe got to Kauai and I found a new place for us to live.

She decided to take me by her house and the studio in Anahola and as she was driving down the road, she asked, "Do you know YWAM?"

I started giggling uncontrollably. "I've been trying to get a hold of them for months now but they didn't have a phone number or any other way to contact them besides email and no one had responded to my emails."

"Well, they live right down the road from me!" she laughed.

I was seriously in shock.

"Oh yeah, and if you look to your left, the ocean is right there and you'll be able to hear it from your studio apartment."

NO WORDS....only a smile from ear to ear.

The studio apartment is small but cozy. It already has a futon bunk bed in it so there will be a place for any guests to spend the night if they would like :D We'll just have to arm wrestle for who gets the top bunk :)

There's a small toilet and sink, a little fridge, an outside shower with hot water, and an outside kitchen. What what!!!!! :)

Jennifer and I started talking prices for rent and I told her 400 would be doable but I found out later she had asked the landlord only to charge me 350!

We hopped in Jennifer's truck and headed to small group.

As soon as I set foot into the house, I was greeted by many faces I had already seen at Papaya's! It was so cool!

We had a time of worship and then dug into the Bible study they had just started the week before.

I got a chance to share a bit about my journey and told them I had been feeling incredibly discouraged and was wondering if Kauai was where I was supposed to be, before Keith came into the picture and blessed my socks off.

We ended in prayer and one of the guys there, whose name is Matt, is known to move strongly in the prophetic. He got several words for people and actually looked right at me and said, "You have many giftings but the word for you is boldness, right now, because you've got to start stepping out in them and when you do, you will impact many."

I thanked him. The small group was over, we began giving each other hugs and I was made to promise that I would come back.

Keith came over to me and said, "I have something I need to give to you. Don't leave before I do, okay?"

I told him I wouldn't.

As I was standing there, Matt looked at me again and asked, "Are you a singer?" I almost squealed as I was jumping up and down! "Yes! I am! But I don't play an instrument very well."

"I didn't see you playing an instrument. Are you interested in leading worship?"

More jumping up and down, "Yes!"

He went on to tell me that he and several other people were working on getting something going and he was just waiting on God to give him the go ahead. He told me I could be a part of it if I wanted to be.

My heart was about ready to explode with joy!

Then, Keith walked up to me, put his hand in my hand and said, "When you were talking about being discouraged and not knowing whether or not you were supposed to stay in Kauai, I felt led to give this to you. Did I hear God right? Is it partly due to money?

"Partly", I said. I looked down and there in my hand, he had placed a roll of $500!

"Please take it", he said.

I was literally speechless!

Jennifer gave me a ride home because she told me there was NO WAY she wanted me taking the bus that late at night. I had to laugh. She's such a Momma.

I didn't hear from Jennifer for a day so I called her on my way into work, yesterday, and was trying to be okay with the fact that the studio apartment may not work out.

She called me back and left me a message saying everything was a go, that the landlord only wanted $350, and that I could move in on Sunday! I just about fell out of my chair!

I think I'm supposed to be in Kauai. What do you think? ;)

9.10.11-My Life Was Spared

I have hesitated as to whether or not I should share this story.

After talking to Lisa, today, she told me it was important for me to share my testimony of how God saved my life this past Saturday.

I know my life will never be the same. It can't be.

The day started out wonderfully. Dustin let me drive his car to work since I had to be there at 7am and no buses run that early on the weekends. The alternative would have been to hitchhike at 5:45am. Thanks, Dustin!
Work was wonderful. I love the early morning shifts and then when I was done with work, I pretty much had the whole day left! Yay!
After I dropped Dustin's car off for him at work, my day got even better when I bought a dark chocolate, lavender, blueberry bar at Hoku and sat and ate it while I waited for the bus to take me back to Kilauea.
I got a chance to talk to Joann, Ron, and Crystina and my heart was very content hearing from my friends.
I look at all of these things, now, in a new light, I guess because it could have been my last day. It was a GOOD day.

The bus got me back home at about 6:oopm, and I was overjoyed with the fact that I still had some daylight to walk out to Secret Beach and swim while I watched the sun set.

As I set foot on the beach, I saw quite a few fishermen out trying to catch fish. I walked up to one and asked him if he was getting any bites and he told me no. We got to talking and I told him I was so excited to get in a swim before the sun set. He looked at me and said, "You don't want to swim today. It's too dangerous."

I told him I didn't want to get in for long but really wanted to get in the water and cool off from my walk. He said that if I kept walked towards the sun, that I would come across some tide pools that would be good for a swim. He told me to be careful and watch for the tide. I promised him I would and wished him luck on catching some fish.

As I made my way across the jagged lava, I remembered thinking that the waves were really strong. In fact, at one point, a wave came up on my right and completely drenched me from the waist down. Shoot! Save the iPod and the camera! They came out unscathed.

I kept walking a little ways and finally got to a spot that I thought looked promising for a swim. I took off my overalls, shoes, socks, and bundled my iPod and camera inside of them to protect them from spray from the waves.

I cautiously hunched down and looked into the tide pool, waiting for a moment when it looked safe to jump in.

Looking back on it now, I wish I had never taken that first jump but had decided that that day was not the day for a swim, because as soon as I jumped in, I knew I had made a huge mistake. The tide pool was violent and I could immediately tell that if I didn't get out soon, I was going to be pulled out to sea or crushed against the jagged lava rocks.

I began to pray, "Papa, help me." I prayed over and over and over again, as my eyes scanned the rocks to find a place to crawl up on and pull myself up out of the water. The really scary thing was that once I would think I got a hand hold, the water would violently fall away about 5 feet, leaving me hanging in the air, trying to hold onto jagged rocks that cut and scraped my skin as I lost my grip and fell into the water again.

I started to chide myself for not telling anyone where I going. No one knew I was in a tide pool at Secret Beach, as the sun was setting except for the fisherman. I knew he probably wouldn't come looking to see if I was ok.

I was remarkably calm and knew I would find a way out. I just had to be patient. It's all a blur to me, now, how I eventually found a way out of the water, except to say I know that there was an angel that gave me a boost up and out of the water.

I scrambled onto the rocks, panting and looking now in earnest for the fastest way to circle back around to where I had first started. I knew I was in a very dangerous spot. The tide was rising and the fisherman's words to watch for the tide rang in my head. I had to get away from the ocean!

The rocks were steep and trying to make my way down was difficult, especially since the waves were coming in from my right so strongly and making it almost impossible to stay on my feet. Slipping and falling on the jagged lava rocks was NOT a good idea.

I got to a spot that looked promising and as I gingerly began to stoop so that I could step down, a huge wave smacked into the front of me and skidded me, on my back, across the rocks. I tried to find a way to stop myself from moving but the wave was too strong and I just knew gouges were being cut into the back of my body. I laid there, stunned, after I came to a stop and immediately began to feel my back for cuts and blood. Nothing. I couldn't believe it! I know God totally protected me!

As I got up, I thought, "This can't be the right way. I'm going to go back the other way."

I wasn't thinking clearly.

The worst decision of the day was to go back to the tide pool. I looked at it and thought, "The tide is up higher. If I jump in and swim really fast, I can make it to the other side."

WRONG!

There is no way to prepare for the violence of the current under the water in a tide pool. I realized my mistake in thinking I could even swim against that current as soon as I jumped in...AGAIN.

By this time, I was tired, scared, battered and bruised, and in even more trouble than the first time that I jumped in. Swimming was becoming difficult and I knew I had probably ended my life by jumping into the tide pool this second time. I began to call out to God again in earnest, "Papa help me! Papa save me!" That's all I could say.

I was getting so tired and I couldn't even seem to get close to the rocks, the current was so strong. I was stuck treading water in the middle of a violent pool. I began to panic and cry because I couldn't see a way out. Then, a wave crashed over my head, I couldn't find the surface, and I sucked the salt water into my lungs. I knew at that moment that I was going to die. A peace and calm settled over me. At the same time, I found myself so very sad because I wasn't ready to die. THIS wasn't how I wanted to die. I felt so alone.

The next minute, as clear as day, I heard God say, "Do NOT be discouraged!"

I decided to fight and swim for my life. No matter what came, if I tried with all of my might and still drowned, at least I had fought to live.

To this day, I still do not know how I got to the rocks and climbed out. I really can't remember. Just, one minute I'm in the water. The next minute, I'm on the rocks. I know the enemy meant for me to die that day but God wanted me to live. I do not know why some people die and others get a second chance to live. I should have died. I should not be here today....BUT for miraculous grace of God.

Like a wet rat, I crawled along the rocks, in shock that I was alive but determined to survive. I was going to do whatever it took!

Panting, moaning, and crying from exhaustion and shock, I walked back to where I had been knocked on my back. It was then that I looked up and saw a woman standing across the way from me, looking at me with a puzzled expression on her face.

I cannot tell you how my heart rejoiced in seeing another human being! I wasn't alone! At least if the tide came in and I still couldn't find a way out, someone saw me and would be able to tell my loved ones what happened if I didn't make it.

Two other woman came over and stood by the first.

"I'm stuck", I yelled, "I can't find a way out!"

It was then that I heard one of the women above me saying, "Hi. I'm here. Look up."

I told her I needed her to help me think through my options of where I should go to get out. She said, "I think your only option is to go down and then climb back up to where we are."

"I'm afraid the waves are going to knock me over again", I said but I immediately began to move, running across the rocks, desperate to get to a safe spot.

"You're amazing! You're doing great!", they yelled at me.

I made it down and climbed up the rocks to where the women were. They walked up to me and all three of them took turns hugging me. I cried.

"You're shaking. Are you cold?"

"No, I almost died. I'm in shock."

They offered me water but I refused and walked with me back to help me find my clothes, iPod, and camera.

They asked me later if I was a mountain climber.

I told them no.

They went on to say that I looked so calm as I ran across the rocks, jumping down, gripping the rocks, and pulling myself up.

"It was inspiring to watch you", one said.

I thanked her but was at a loss for words because I didn't feel calm. I just felt determined to survive.

After parting with the women, I began my walk back to Kilauea. My only thoughts were, "I need a stiff drink and a hug."

Thankfully, Dustin kindly provided both of those.

After I told him what happened, the best part was when he asked, "Now what have we learned from all of this?"

So many things....so many things.

I am thankful to be alive!

Choosing Joy Today!

I woke up, today, making a conscious choice to seek out the beauty and joy that it had to offer.
Over the last couple of days, I have willingly let my joy be stolen from me but I refused to let that be a continuing theme.
Once more, I faced the "joys" of gathering paperwork and documents to send to my credit card company for damage to my rental cars. I'm hoping and praying they will cover the charges for the repair work.
The customer service rep put my heart to rest by telling me I was doing a great job of getting everything to them in a timely manner. She even went so far as to say I was faster than most people! Wow! And here I've been feeling like I've dropped the ball!
I took a much needed shower and headed out to catch the bus into town to drop off some job applications and resumes.
When I got on the bus, it quickly filled up with children going home from school. Their banter and laughter was contagious and I found myself smiling with joy over being right there at that moment. Laughter is a healing thing! I need to remember to do it more often, not just for my sake but for others' as well!
On one of the stops, a man got on the bus, sat next to me, slumped down in the seat, leaned against me, and quickly fell asleep. I was almost moved to tears! The physical contact, the touch, the warmth of another human being is so powerful when one has gone so long without any of them. No one could have prepared me for how much I would miss that. For when you move someplace where you know very few people, physical contact with others is limited. What a healing thing a hug would be at this moment. I know I would surely cry!
I am now sitting and waiting for my bus back to Kilauea where I will hopefully be able to walk to the beach before the sun sets. It started to rain and I found a shelter from the roof of a church to stand under.
The rain, here in Kauai, moves me. It draws me and I find myself seeking it out to see it, touch it, smell it. It's magical to me! I'm not sure why but I won't over-think it too much ;)
Just as quickly as it starts, the rain is soon over and the ground, air, and everything that it touches is refreshed after baking in the hot sun for most of the day.
I look forward to enjoying the simple joys that the rest of this day and evening have to offer.
I send my love on the wings of the wind! I hope that you seek out and find the simple joys waiting in each day just for you!