Ask me how I am doing and I will tell you about my heart

It's almost been 2 years since I took the greatest leap of faith in my life...moving to Kauai.
To some, it may not seem like such a hard thing.
It is one of the most beautiful places in the world after all!!!
Doesn't that cancel out every hardship?
Every difficulty?
Every ache in my heart leading up to this moment?
Every precious person I left behind on the mainland?
Nope.

I have come to learn a great deal about myself during my time on this little island I now call home.
Sometimes, the deep, dark places in my heart look even darker against the vast beauty of Kauai. It has been a hard pill to swallow some days.

The first year on Kauai was my hardest. Almost daily I fought the urge to throw in the towel. I had left EVERYTHING behind...even parts of myself.
Achingly, I put one foot in front of the other, most times feeling like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.
I have spent a great deal of time in solitude, trying to sort out who I am and what makes me me. Shockingly, I have seen so many places in myself that I have compared to others and always came up lacking so I changed to become like someone else. I couldn't keep on living that way. So I got honest with myself and made changes. I still struggle with it but the fight isn't nearly so vicious. Slowly, I am reversing the tide.

Then there's God. I love Him dearly. Without Him I would not be standing here today. He has saved my life so many times. Knowing Him has in turn shown me who I am, and He is just such perfection and love. I love Him more today than the first day I met Him :-)
The only hard part was that as I went through the dark night of my soul, I realized that just as I shut people out because it is such a vulnerable place, I was doing the same thing with God.
Through it all, He was endlessly patient, always waiting, always knowing that when the day came, I would come running back into His arms, and He would comfort me in a way that nothing else could. He is my peace. He is my rest. He is my love.

Finding a church home has proven to be such a help in ushering God back into the deep and aching places in my heart. It has also provided encouragement for my heart and challenged me to be obedient out of love and worship of my Papa in big and small ways. I have also gotten to know several people and look forward to knowing many more. We are the body of Christ and we need each other!

When I talk to people and they say, "How are you doing? How is life? What's new?" I always think to myself, "Do they have at least an hour?" Because for the most part, my life is very simple. I work as a nanny and rest with my dog when I have down time. The part of me that is always changing is my heart. And I can honestly say, I love the person I am becoming: Right with God, patient with myself, and intent on loving people to the best of my ability.

Who I was made to be...

I wanted to write this down and post it while it is still fresh in my mind because I know, like a butterfly, these thoughts will soon flit right out of mind. But I hope they will take up permanent residence within my heart in the days and years to come!

I have been hitting a wall for some time now. I kept looking at my life and saying, "When will I have arrived? What do I need to DO to take full advantage of the giftings uniquely placed in me? When will it all be enough?"

It became such a constant ache in my heart and it never went away.

I compared myself with others and always came up lacking.

I allowed myself to be sucked into a very dark place.

I can honestly say that a huge change took place in my heart just a couple of days ago.

It was late at night. I sat down with my guitar and played such basic chords as I quietly worshipped my Creator.

All of the sudden, everything clicked.

I was made to worship God! And the thing that changed in my mind was that it didn't need to look any different than what it was right then.

I didn't need to be on a stage with thousands of people before me; my voice amplified by a microphone and speakers.

I didn't need a grand guitar or a record deal.

I didn't need everyone to know my name.

Sitting in my jammies, in candlelight, with old strings, fumbling fingers and a heart reaching out for the face of God....this was the core of my being.

There is great joy in this knowledge! My endless striving can cease. Not that I will stop reaching inward to learn more about who I am. Not that I will stop reaching outward to know more of God. Not that I will not always be looking for ways to love the people around me.

It is contentment within the flux.

How this little Miss Piggy gets out of her poo pit

Quite simply, one of the most wonderful things about living on Kauai is that I can never stay in my pit of self pity for long.

I hop on my anti-anxiety pill (my bike) and take off down the road.

For the past couple of nights, I have had the privilege to ride during sunset.
The Twilight or Golden Hour makes the colors so bright that I can almost taste them and hear them!

Oh the colors, colors, colors!

I tilt my head back and hoot with joy!

I hear the Creator of the Universe whispering to me, "I am here. Do you see Me? Do you see how much I love you and think of you? I put on this display day after day for anyone who chooses to see. Do you see?"
It is on my bike that I feel like I truly see and grasp some things.

It is also on my bike that the simplest of things bring me intense joy.

Like, as I was riding yesterday, it started to rain on me. Joy of joys! That was great!

At one point, at a stoplight, I felt like someone in the car next to me was giving me the hairy eyeball.
I tentatively looked over only to discover it was a dog looking me up and down. It was so cute and I laughed at the silliness of it all.

Today, a truck passed me on my right and from the passenger seat, I saw a little blond head craning
out the window to see me as she passed by, with a sweet smile on her face. I smiled my biggest smile
in return.

As I made my way to the lookout over the Fishpond, I saw 3 adolescent boys, 2 on a scooter, one on
his bike. They had such sweet expressions on their faces because they thought they knew me.
Mrs. Piccolo? Oh! We thought you were our teacher!

As I ended my ride, I came upon a boy riding his bike in front of me. As I passed him, I realized he
wasn't a boy. After a couple of minutes, he came up on my left and started riding next to me and
talking to me.
He told me how 22 years ago, he used to wake up in the mornings and run this very stretch of road because it had been so thoroughly ingrained in him since the Army.
He rode with me for about 10 minutes and before we parted, he told me his name was Sam and that he was glad he ran into me because it was nice to talk to me.
I felt the same way and wished him well.

May I always live my life like a good, driving, bass beat that makes everyone want to get up and
wiggle to the song of life!

....AND... stay out of my poo pit  ;-)

Love you!

Endorphins make me zany :-)

Oh-ma-word!

After getting back from my bike ride, I did a solid for Abe and took him for a walk.

I was walking along and then I noticed my thoughts. They were so all over the place, I wanted to write them down and share, if for no other reason than to give you a laugh :-)

So this is how it went:

Ok, Abe, pee on the bush there.
Good job.
Wow! That was the loudest cricket I have ever heard!
What do I see out in the grass, there?
Is it a boar?
A human?
A Sasquatch?
Oh Abe, keep walking.
We stop only if you have to poop.
I hope a wild boar doesn't come out of the grass!
Well, if it does, I have my light with a whistle on it.
I'll blow the heck out of that whistle!
There's a lot of dog poop on this path!
That's what I get for living by a doggie daycare.
Okay, watch out for that rope there!
Don't want to clothesline myself.
I wish my light was a little brighter.
Oh, there went a frog!
Wait, was that a toad?
Has to be a toad.
They have warts.
I learned that from Cat in the Hat on PBS!
I see some stars.
Not very many, though.
I wish the clouds would go away so I could see them better.
Was that a boar?
Sounded like one!
Man, those two dogs sure are barking really loud!
Almost home.
I need a shower.

This stuff was literally going off at lightening speed in my brain.
This noggin needs some rest :-)

Stop holding the brakes!

My recent bicycle rides have been packed full of meaning for me lately.
On the one hand, my mind does begin to work like a well-oiled machine. I let go of my anxiety, frustration, and fears as I put my body to the test.
Then on the other hand, God has been choosing that time to plant His truth deep in my heart. Like seeds of mighty oaks. With water, nurturing, and time....it's gonna be good!
I rode tonight for the sheer joy of riding plus I needed to get out a little extra spunk before bed. 
Why at night? I can already see my Dad worrying but I've always done things differently than most and it has been hot enough during the day that dehydration gets the best of me, so I go in the cool of the evening.
Traveling down Kipu Road, singing at the top of my lungs, I came to a place in the road where there is a nice little coast downhill. It was dark, my light did little to illuminate very far in front of me, and my main worry was running into a wild boar (for obvious reasons) because they like to hang out around there. 
I had both hands clutching the brakes and all of a sudden, I heard God say, "Stop holding the brakes."
I have learned to listen to Him when He speaks in moments like these because He is usually trying to teach me something.
So, I let go and as the air rushed past me, I hooted and hollered with joy and then threw in a little Zena Warrior Princess yodel at the end.
I share this next part because I know it is not meant just for me.
The translation or what God was saying was this:
For most of my life, I have been holding onto the "brakes"; afraid to step out and fail or be thought a fool.
As I approach my one year anniversary on Kauai, I sense God saying the steady, run of endurance is coming to an end and now it's time for a sprint into all He has planned for my life...hopes, dreams, etc.
It reminds me of the Scripture in 1 Samuel 17:48:
"As Goliath moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him."
David ran to meet Goliath! He ran forward to face his fears and triumphed!
Fear has kept me clutching at the brakes. It is now time to step out and walk into my full potential.
We were created to be world-changers...every one of us! It's time to wake up and run to take hold of the greatness in this life that we have been given! Awake, oh sleeper!
Do you have a dream? Pursue it! Follow through!
Do you have a fear? Face it!
Does something seem impossible? Step out and find that it is within reach!
You never know how your life will positively impact someone else.

Why is it never enough?

I looked in the mirror at my sunburnt face and said, "You've got to get a hold of yourself!"
You see, when I am hurting and trying to cope, I almost hear the flies buzzing around my head, feeding off of the decaying thoughts residing in my mind.
I go into old, destructive habits.
Oh, I have so much to learn, so much to overcome!
I was once asked if I thought I was broken. To which I responded, "Yes. Well no. Not so much. More like mold-able."
I take it back. Yes, I am broken. And my brokenness lies in this:
I keep trying to fill a gaping hole that only God can fill with every other imaginable thing known to man. And here is the insanity of it all. It is never enough and it always leaves me more empty than I originally started out.
It's like dying of thirst and drinking salt water.
Tonight, God gently took my hand and placed me on my bike to ride.
I started out riding, angry and pushing my body as hard as it would go. My goal was to tire myself out completely. And then God began to speak.
I was riding in the dark with only my weak light to illuminate the road in front of me. I kept getting frustrated because it never seemed like enough of the road was lit up. I craned my neck to see in front of me as I went around a corner. I still only saw immediately in front of me and the way was narrow.
Then a car would come from behind me and illuminate all around me and my eyes would drink it in until once more, my vision was narrowed back to my little bicycle light as the car passed.
Isn't this the story of my life!?! God only illuminates just enough of the road so that I don't run ahead of Him and worry about what is to come. I get frustrated with Him because I want to know more of the story but it is literally too much for me to handle. I get it in chapters; doses.
And then He gives me a glimpse of the bigger picture. My heart soars, my hope is renewed, and my faith and trust in Him is strengthened.
On the second part of my bike ride, my attention was drawn to how wet my face was. It felt like I had warm wax flowing down and dripping off my chin onto my body. It was an incredibly strange feeling.
And then the translation....
Most times, I wear a mask especially when my heart feels torn and exposed. I don't want anyone to see my pain or how much I hurt. But just as a fire melts wax, so my Refiner melts my wax mask away from my face. And when it has all dripped away, and I am naked and exposed, He passes me under gloriously cool waters that comfort and heal and wash away all signs of that mask I once wore.
Oh the amazing things God wants to show us if we only keep our hearts and minds open.
May it go straight from my head to my heart.
Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

Cry like a baby

As a nanny, it goes with the job that I must listen to children cry.

It happens.

Theyʻre tired, hungry, angry.

They get hurt, they miss Mommy and Daddy.

The list goes on and on.....

Strangely, I find myself longing for the simplicity of a good cry.

I listen to a little one crying with gusto and wish for the ability to join in with them.

Weep, wail, lament! Just let go! Just let it all go!

I remember crying often as a child. It was the first thing I did if I got hurt...and I got hurt A LOT growing up.

Skinned knees, stubbed toes, broken bones, gashes, scrapes, and bruises. Each one received their own allotment of tears. And it felt good to cry! I felt like in some way, I had accomplished something important with my tears. Even as a child I knew this.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped crying altogether, though. What a sad thing to have happen!

No longer do I skin my knees. And very rarely do I stub my toes, but I have seen great tragedies and have stood up under the crushing weight of grief. I have gotten my heart broken. I have loved and lost.

Iʻm hoping I can give each of these things the tears they deserve so that I can let go and heal. Tears are healing, purging, beautiful, and holy. Quite simply put, they are Godʻs gift to us so that we have a way to give wings to our pain...so that our hearts may be lifted up once more.

So the next time I hear that little boy crying at the top of his lungs because he really doesnʻt want to take that nap, I just might join in with him....I....just..... might.