To some, it may not seem like such a hard thing.
It is one of the most beautiful places in the world after all!!!
Doesn't that cancel out every hardship?
Every difficulty?
Every ache in my heart leading up to this moment?
Every precious person I left behind on the mainland?
Nope.
I have come to learn a great deal about myself during my time on this little island I now call home.
Sometimes, the deep, dark places in my heart look even darker against the vast beauty of Kauai. It has been a hard pill to swallow some days.
The first year on Kauai was my hardest. Almost daily I fought the urge to throw in the towel. I had left EVERYTHING behind...even parts of myself.
Achingly, I put one foot in front of the other, most times feeling like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.
I have spent a great deal of time in solitude, trying to sort out who I am and what makes me me. Shockingly, I have seen so many places in myself that I have compared to others and always came up lacking so I changed to become like someone else. I couldn't keep on living that way. So I got honest with myself and made changes. I still struggle with it but the fight isn't nearly so vicious. Slowly, I am reversing the tide.
Then there's God. I love Him dearly. Without Him I would not be standing here today. He has saved my life so many times. Knowing Him has in turn shown me who I am, and He is just such perfection and love. I love Him more today than the first day I met Him :-)
The only hard part was that as I went through the dark night of my soul, I realized that just as I shut people out because it is such a vulnerable place, I was doing the same thing with God.
Through it all, He was endlessly patient, always waiting, always knowing that when the day came, I would come running back into His arms, and He would comfort me in a way that nothing else could. He is my peace. He is my rest. He is my love.
Finding a church home has proven to be such a help in ushering God back into the deep and aching places in my heart. It has also provided encouragement for my heart and challenged me to be obedient out of love and worship of my Papa in big and small ways. I have also gotten to know several people and look forward to knowing many more. We are the body of Christ and we need each other!
When I talk to people and they say, "How are you doing? How is life? What's new?" I always think to myself, "Do they have at least an hour?" Because for the most part, my life is very simple. I work as a nanny and rest with my dog when I have down time. The part of me that is always changing is my heart. And I can honestly say, I love the person I am becoming: Right with God, patient with myself, and intent on loving people to the best of my ability.
