Ask me how I am doing and I will tell you about my heart

It's almost been 2 years since I took the greatest leap of faith in my life...moving to Kauai.
To some, it may not seem like such a hard thing.
It is one of the most beautiful places in the world after all!!!
Doesn't that cancel out every hardship?
Every difficulty?
Every ache in my heart leading up to this moment?
Every precious person I left behind on the mainland?
Nope.

I have come to learn a great deal about myself during my time on this little island I now call home.
Sometimes, the deep, dark places in my heart look even darker against the vast beauty of Kauai. It has been a hard pill to swallow some days.

The first year on Kauai was my hardest. Almost daily I fought the urge to throw in the towel. I had left EVERYTHING behind...even parts of myself.
Achingly, I put one foot in front of the other, most times feeling like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.
I have spent a great deal of time in solitude, trying to sort out who I am and what makes me me. Shockingly, I have seen so many places in myself that I have compared to others and always came up lacking so I changed to become like someone else. I couldn't keep on living that way. So I got honest with myself and made changes. I still struggle with it but the fight isn't nearly so vicious. Slowly, I am reversing the tide.

Then there's God. I love Him dearly. Without Him I would not be standing here today. He has saved my life so many times. Knowing Him has in turn shown me who I am, and He is just such perfection and love. I love Him more today than the first day I met Him :-)
The only hard part was that as I went through the dark night of my soul, I realized that just as I shut people out because it is such a vulnerable place, I was doing the same thing with God.
Through it all, He was endlessly patient, always waiting, always knowing that when the day came, I would come running back into His arms, and He would comfort me in a way that nothing else could. He is my peace. He is my rest. He is my love.

Finding a church home has proven to be such a help in ushering God back into the deep and aching places in my heart. It has also provided encouragement for my heart and challenged me to be obedient out of love and worship of my Papa in big and small ways. I have also gotten to know several people and look forward to knowing many more. We are the body of Christ and we need each other!

When I talk to people and they say, "How are you doing? How is life? What's new?" I always think to myself, "Do they have at least an hour?" Because for the most part, my life is very simple. I work as a nanny and rest with my dog when I have down time. The part of me that is always changing is my heart. And I can honestly say, I love the person I am becoming: Right with God, patient with myself, and intent on loving people to the best of my ability.

Who I was made to be...

I wanted to write this down and post it while it is still fresh in my mind because I know, like a butterfly, these thoughts will soon flit right out of mind. But I hope they will take up permanent residence within my heart in the days and years to come!

I have been hitting a wall for some time now. I kept looking at my life and saying, "When will I have arrived? What do I need to DO to take full advantage of the giftings uniquely placed in me? When will it all be enough?"

It became such a constant ache in my heart and it never went away.

I compared myself with others and always came up lacking.

I allowed myself to be sucked into a very dark place.

I can honestly say that a huge change took place in my heart just a couple of days ago.

It was late at night. I sat down with my guitar and played such basic chords as I quietly worshipped my Creator.

All of the sudden, everything clicked.

I was made to worship God! And the thing that changed in my mind was that it didn't need to look any different than what it was right then.

I didn't need to be on a stage with thousands of people before me; my voice amplified by a microphone and speakers.

I didn't need a grand guitar or a record deal.

I didn't need everyone to know my name.

Sitting in my jammies, in candlelight, with old strings, fumbling fingers and a heart reaching out for the face of God....this was the core of my being.

There is great joy in this knowledge! My endless striving can cease. Not that I will stop reaching inward to learn more about who I am. Not that I will stop reaching outward to know more of God. Not that I will not always be looking for ways to love the people around me.

It is contentment within the flux.